Ever wondered what to expect from a Thai massage? I’m not talking the type of Thai massage you are going to get in Pattaya or a sleazy back street in Bangkok. There are actually massage parlours in Thailand where happy endings aren’t the norm and the clientele isn’t just middle-aged men on the prowl for young Thai girls. There are literally massage parlours on every street in Thailand so given we have had a few tiring days we decided to give one a go whilst staying at Tonsai Bay, Krabi. Prices can range from anywhere between £3 and £20 but at Tonsai everything is at the lower end of the scale so for just £3 you can enjoy a 1 hour massage.

My massage started with my 60KG masseuse putting her whole weight on my back, she moved up and down, each time I heard another loud crunch as my back cracked. She then worked her way to each shoulder and with what felt like all her force, she pushed down and around in a circular motion at which point I was expecting my shoulder blade to fly off. Next came some gentle massaging with oils on my back, ahh this is nice I thought, hopefully the rest of the hour will be like this…

The pleasantries quickly stopped though and before long she was standing with one foot on each of the backs of my thighs. This went on for some time and gradually got more bearable. It was the hard rubbing of my calve muscles that really left me gritting my teeth, ouch. I don’t like people touching my feet so was not happy when she got down to them, not content with pushing her elbow into the ball of my foot she went on to pull each toe until it cracked! I looked over at Nick at this point to see him being pulled into the lotus xxx position, his eyes were closed and face scrunched up in pain haha. I gave his masseuse a thumbs up and he laughed.

My humour didn’t last long as soon enough my masseuse returned to my back and began pushing her forearms between each of my ribs with all her weight. My poor little lungs were struggling to breath in between each forceful push. I was glad when this was over but it was then on to the arm massage which ended with my fingers being yanked one by one before a few karate chops up and down my arms were thrown in for good measure.

Towards the end I was asked to sit up and put my head down. I’m not quite sure what happened next but in one quick swift motion she had flipped me on my back and my lower back was now resting on her knees as she rocked below me. How did I get up here!? Back to crossed legs, she cradled each of my arms and slowly swayed and twisted by upper body as far right as possible. Two of these motions were smooth and relaxed but at the third one I realised she was just lulling me into a false sense of security as she twisted me at full force as my back cracked again.

Finally, I wSa laid on her lap as she got a wet flannel and placed it over my face, ah great I thought, this is the final straw she’s finally going to finish me off and suffocate me. It turns out it was just a facial massage though, it’s a shame this part didn’t last longer as it was quite relaxing. I guess they have to mix the pain up with a little bit of pleasure at least.

So in summary, a Thai massage isn’t for the feint hearted and I certainly wouldn’t recommend it if you have any joint or back problems. It’s not your typical relaxing massage and you’re likely to leave feeling like you’ve had a workout!